Waiting For the Rising Moon
by Darkshines1984
Summary: Please review! Fill in for part of season 4's New Moon Rising from Tara's POV. If you're a Willow and Tara fan then you should enjoy this. Rated M for safety but its not graphic. Please Review!


**Waiting For the Rising Moon **

**Pairing: **Willow and Tara

**Rating: **M (not too graphic, I'm just playing safe)

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Buffy the Vampire Slayer then Tara would not have died!

**Summary: **This is a bit of a filer for the season four episode 'New Moon Rising' when Oz returns. I've been watching the series again on DVD and now I'm a bit older I noticed something I hadn't picked up as a teenager. When Oz freaks at Tara because she smells of Willow the innocent presumption is because they hugged in Tara's dorm but why would that make Oz freak? I mean, it's normal for friends to hug and I'm sure Buffy and Willow would smell of each other a bit if you have werewolf senses. So why did Oz freak? Probably because of the same reason Tara ended up in Willow's jumper and Willow changed in-between being in Tara's dorm and being in study group. Joss is telling anyone who is interested that something a bit more intimate happened after the hug. This is my take on what that 'something was'. It would also explain what Willow apologises for at the end because if you just follow what is on camera she hasn't really done anything wrong. She didn't sleep with Oz and she was honest to Tara about how confused she was about the situation. There is no way Tara would be angry with her for going off to save Oz so it's not likely to be that either. You could pass it off as just the fact Willow hadn't kept her informed about what was happening afterwards and had left Tara sitting around and waiting; but I suspect it was because even though in the dorm she admitted to Tara that she was unsure who to pick she then went ahead and got intimate with her making it all very confusing for Tara.

I'm sure I'm not the only person to have ever noticed this but I've personally never seen it in any fan fiction. Usually people write about what happens after Tara blows the candle out at the end of the episode.

It's from Tara's point of view. So here it goes....

It's all been going so well, I mean it was getting close to perfect. We had become so close so quickly and our connection seemed so strong that I'd forgot all about the ex boyfriend who'd left her heartbroken. I think she had too, we had begun to rebuild that heart together and our lives where becoming more and more entangled. She was spending virtually every night in my dorm, practising spells, talking, cuddling, kissing, making love and sometimes actually sleeping. I had been introduced to her friends, only as a friend but it was a start, and I had been to the bronze with them and I'd even attended my first Scooby meeting. Faster than speed of sound she was becoming my world and the very reason for my existence. What do you do when your world is turned upside down?

I had always known that if Oz showed up then the happy little existence we were creating would at best be seriously threatened and the most likely outcome was that it would be finished completely. As I've already stated though he had slipped my mind, so when he did turn up on Giles' doorstep it was a total shock and had felt like I had been physically punched in the stomach. I couldn't stay and watch everyone fussing over Willow and asking if she was okay, I couldn't bare it. Perhaps I should have stayed though, maybe if I'd stayed she would have told them about me and her. Perhaps if I'd stayed I would have looked like I was putting up a fight rather than just accepting defeat and running away.

I'm good at running away though, as I proved again the next morning when I went to her room to speak to her. I found Oz there, he had stayed the night. I couldn't stay round and wait for her to emerge from the toilet, I had to run again. If I had stayed and waited for her what could I have said? I'm not the type to get angry and confront her about her betrayal and I'm not the type to get bitter and risk her chance of happiness with Oz if that's what she wants. So I ran to the safety of my dorm and hid till I was forced to emerge again for lessons, if I could even bring myself to attend them.

I'm not sure when exactly I expected to see her again but it certainly wasn't that same morning. So when there was a knock on my door before my first lesson I was confused and scared. It was her; I had hoped it would have taken her a little longer to make her mind up about what she wanted. I had hoped it would take her days not hours but here she was and she was surely going to dump me.

It was a relief when she told me that they had spent the night talking, it may have only been a small comfort but at least she had not betrayed me. At least she had not slept with him whilst she was still supposed to be with me, to be mine. I had expected her to be his now, I thought she was lost to me, but she was not completely lost yet. She said as much, she told me that she didn't know what he meant to her anymore, that she'd changed, that life was starting to get so good and I was a big part of that. The things that I wanted to hear mixed with the things that I didn't; she didn't know what to do, he had been what she wanted most and now she was just confused. She was teetering on the brink between us and Oz had no idea. If I was brave enough, if I wasn't more concerned with Willow's happiness than I was with my own then it could have been advantage me. I could fight for her because I knew there was a fight to be had whereas he was oblivious.

I could never do that though; try to manoeuvre her or influence her into choosing me; I just want what's best for her. So again I concede defeat and don't fight for her, I admit that I expected her to choose Oz over me if he ever returned, make myself sound like some sort of glorified bench warmer. I tell her I'll be her friend no matter what she decides; knowing that's what she needs from me, knowing that just being her friend would hurt so much. I'm used to the pain though; I'm used to being bullied by my family because of my power and bullied by my peers for my stutter. What's a bit more pain if it makes the person you love happy.

Yet even though I've conceded defeat to Oz I'm still not beaten, my precious Willow still hasn't decided. My lack of fight seemingly making it harder for her to decide, when I thought I was making it easier for her to let me down gently.

"Do what makes you h..h...happy" It seems like a sensible and fair thing to say, I'm being the friend, giving her impartial advise. Yet I can't resist making physical contact with her and wipe away the tears that have begun to spill down her face. It's not the friendly touch I had intended it to be, it's the caress of a lover so I quickly pull my hand away guiltily. Aware that it could be the last contact I ever have with her as her girlfriend I regret pulling back so soon, but it's too late now. It is not the last contact between us though because as soon as I've pulled my hand away she has closed the space between and is hugging me. I try to keep it friendly again, keeping my hands high on her neck, just stroking her hair to comfort her.

Her hands are not so restrained though and they roam across my back pulling me in close and brushing across the skin that is not covered by my top. The top is so thin she may as well have her hands on my naked back anyway. The contact and proximity of her would usually make me happy and content but under the circumstances it feels almost cruel for her to be this close to me. She is making me want her so much right now but she doesn't know if she wants me or him. It feels like the worst kind of torture imaginable, like all the taunts I've been privy to down the years all rolled into one. How can I pull away from her though, how can I tell her she is hurting me? I can't and I won't because it will hurt her, it will hurt her because she's seeking comfort and she's seeking to comfort me, she's too sweet to realise the anguish she's causing by a simple hug.

I wouldn't have expected her to hug me long but she showed no sign of letting go anytime soon and continued to sob softly into my shoulder. Finally her head moved slightly and I thought she may be about to pull back but instead she buried her face into my neck. If the hug had been some kind of torture before it was now ten times worse, it had gone from knuckle duster torture to being stretched out on a rack type torture. Her breath on against the sensitive skin set my pulse racing and it seemed like totally the wrong time to be getting turned on by her. Still I remained stationary in her embrace, my hands continuing to stroke her hair. Then it went another ten times worse than stretchy rack torture, it turned into the choppy cut up into little pieces whilst still living torture. All that pain because she moaned one little word against the side of my neck; that one little word was my name.

"Tara"

My balance suddenly became unsteady and for a few seconds I thought I was going to collapse but she steadied me, still locked in the embrace. I couldn't tell you what affected me more; the amount of pain I felt because I thought I was going to lose her, the torture of her holding me but not knowing if she wanted me or just the shear desire her moaning my name had caused me to feel. All I know is that it all felt too much and I thought my heart was going to explode then and there unless I did something. Only I didn't know what that something was.

My sudden faintness caused by her moan seemed to ignite Willow though and suddenly her lips where not just in contact with the base of my neck but they were kissing it. It was so soft at first that it was like a whisper of a kiss against my skin but then the hesitancy left her and the contact became firmer. When she grazed her teeth across the sensitive skin beneath my ear I knew I was lost. No matter how much it was going to hurt if she chose Oz I couldn't stop myself from going with her wherever she was taking me right now. I may always try and do the right thing but I'm not a complete saint, if Willow wants to get frisky with me right now then I'm not going to refuse. Not if this could be the last time that I ever get to touch or taste her. It probably seems crazy that I'm taking this course of action having stated that her touch was like torture but it was rapidly becoming sweet torture, something akin to emotional S&M.

I'm careful not to make the first move though and it is her lips that eventually capture mine in a deep and at first rather salty kiss. It's different to any other kiss we have shared before because usually we take things slow and gently but this is wild and needy and probably completely crazy, but neither of us seems to be stopping. Any semblance of control I have left is dissipating fast and my hands fly to the zipper of her cardigan and meet hers there in a struggle to remove the garment. I'm not even entirely sure which of the four hands we have between us actually succeeded but one of us managed it and the pretty blue cardigan is discarded across the room somewhere and out of the way. One of her hands goes to the bottom of my top and slips under it and against my skin and the other fumbles with the zipper on my jeans. Some of my normal good sense comes back to me abruptly and I realise that it would be far too weird letting her actually make love to me under the circumstances. So I pull her hand away from my pants and guide her onto the edge of the bed and sit her down, all without breaking the kiss and worrying her. Considering I'm a virgin to all this crazy, horny, hurt and comfort sex I think that's a fairly big achievement.

There is a master plan to getting her on the bed; she wants comforting which I've given into so that's fine, or five by five as that crazy Faith girl apparently says, but I don't want nakedness because that's a bit too close and personal if you take everything into account. Luckily Willow is wearing a skirt which rather solves my problem of nakedness. At first I'm in a hurry and I hitch up her skirt and delve in quickly, hoping to make the torture pass that bit quicker. However I'm lost again in a haze of Willowy goodness once my mouth makes contact with her and she lets out a low throaty moan. So it's back to the mental S&M again as the pain of Oz's return and the pleasure of tasting her and listening to her moans fight to maintain some sort of balance in my emotionally battered brain. In the end it's slow and loving and everything it probably shouldn't have been but I can take comfort from the fact the name she was moaning was mine and not his. Now that would have been the worst kind of torture that probably isn't even imaginable, even worse than Tantalus reaching for the water to drink and it receding away from him, leaving him forever thirsty.

Once it's over and Willow is gasping for breath I emerge from under her skirt and rest my head against her stomach, still kneeling on the floor by the bed. I can feel how ragged her breathing is and her top is slightly scratchy against my cheek but I dare not move, I have no idea what to say to her. I have no idea what she's feeling although she stopped crying at some point during the removal of her cardigan so that must be a good thing right?

Finally as her breathing calms she sits up straighter and her hands begin to comb through my hair with her delicate fingers. I know we are nearing the point where we have to converse again but I'm still at a loss of what to say to her. I'm afraid that I've ran out of the 'I want you to be happy' speeches and I may just grab a leg and beg her not to leave me. If it wasn't my room I'd probably have made a run for it again but I don't fancy having to go to class without washing Willow juice of my face.

"Well I'm missing my psychology class" Willow suddenly giggled "I suppose I better turn up for study group or they'll think something terrible has happened!"

Well, I may have expected conversation but not of that kind. I was thinking more along the lines of _'I need time to decide what I want'_ not _'oops I missed class because we were getting it on'_. Not that I actually minded, light conversation was much less scary right now. I still wasn't sure if I wanted to extract myself from her stomach and have to look at her yet though. I still had that I might break down and cry on you feeling.

"Yeah me too" I weakly agree "I should be in the first half of my American History class right now"

"I'd better go" she states "I'm going to have to get changed before I go anywhere near a room of people"

I have no choice but to look up now as she uses her thumb to tilt my chin up towards her. I can't quite hold eye contact at first and my eyes dart everywhere but her face, then in the end I give in and gaze at her. She is looking at me with a mixture of confusion and affection on her face and again I'm reminded that I haven't lost her yet, that the waiting and the suffering must go on. Then she tilts her head down towards mine and begins closing the gap to me, using the pressure of her thumb underneath my chin to raise me up as high as I can go on my knees and bridge the remaining space between her lips and mine.

The kiss is soft at first but she tastes herself on my lips and she intensifies it, taking control of me and my senses again. This time though the same thing that took me over the edge before brings me back to it. As she breaks of the kiss in the need for air she whispers my name huskily again and it is full of the same desire and need that led us to the bed previously. I can't do this again though, not unless she decides to stay with me and not return to Oz. It's too much hurt for me to bear, it's too much confusion for her to take and despite myself I can't help but feel sorry for the oblivious Oz.

She pulls me into a kiss again but this time I break away and cup her face with my hands to make her halt and listen to me.

"You need to go" It's the last thing on this earth I want to be saying to her. Really I would just like to lock the door to the outside world and make her forget all about Oz. I cannot though, so she must go and chose for herself what is right for her, who will make her happy. I must just wait and hope against all odds that she chooses me over the thing she admits that she once wanted most of all over everything in the world.

"I know" her voice is hoarse and I can tell she's trying not to cry again. I've already edged away from her and the bed, although I'm still on my knees, waiting for her to move. She finally stands and makes her way to my door, opening it slightly before turning back.

"I'll see you later" she says so quietly that it is barely audible. If it wasn't for the fact I'd seen her mouth form the words I'd have probably presumed I'd imagined it. She was gone then though and the door slid to a shut with only the tiniest of click as the lock catch clipped shut.

Hauling my weary body up from the floor I straighten my clothes out and headed to the bathroom to wash up and clean my teeth. Once I return to the room I feel a wave of sadness, I may have washed Willow of me but the room still smelt of her and the bed covers where disturbed where she had been writhing. I couldn't bring myself to straighten the bed out quite yet and remove the evidence of our encounter so I left it because even if it hurt the memory was still something to cling on too.

I had to stop with the wallowing with self pity now though, I needed to get to lessons before I was missed and moaned at by the lecturer. I crossed to the window side of the room where my class books where piled and took a double take. The cute blue cardigan we had disregarded across the room had landed on the windowsill above the books I needed. It seemed somehow funny that it had landed in that exact spot and what should have been against my better judgement I slipped it on over my thin top. It smelt of Willow and although at this moment in time that should have been a reason to leave it well alone I could not, I wanted to keep it close to me. I wanted to be able to hold something of Willow close to me.


End file.
